Evolution starts out with a lot of promise. Directed by Ivan Reitman and starring David Duchovny, dodginess is assured. Throw in a plot containing aliens, Dan Akroyd and Sean William Scott and you’ve got a winner.

The film opens with Sean William Scott saving a blow-up-doll from a burning building and just goes downhill from there. The burning building gets destroyed by an incoming meteor which conveniently happens to contain the alien organisms. With this, the thrill ride begins, taking in interesting sights along the way, including a giant alien bird hunt in a mall and the administering of an anti-dandruff shampoo enema to the giant alien.

The movie has a plot, which is nice and straightforward. This is good as it doesn’t get in the way. Basically, aliens land, they evolve, the military steps in, stuffs it up, and it’s up to the psuedo-scientific heroes to save the day, with a brilliant deduction about Arsenic and Selenium and carbon and silica based lifeforms that would make any movie scientist proud.

Essentially, the plot exists to move the film from one dodgy moment to the next, not that this is a bad thing. However, it does get a little tricky to pick out a favourite.  I have managed to narrow it down to 2 key moments. The first occurs while hunting the giant alien bird in the local mall. Sean William Scott steps up to the microphone and utters the now infamous phrase “ca-caw, ca-caw. Tooky tooky tooky.” The second, a career defining moment for all involved, is the administering of the head and shoulders anti dandruff shampoo enema to the giant alien creature using a firetruck. Despite the ensuing explosion being reminiscent of the giant marshmallow man exploding sequence in ghostbusters, it is no less memorable. As a result of these two scenes, the film gets a Staypuft marshmallow man rating of 5.

Evolution has firmly established itself as one of my top 5 movies of all time. I have yet to get bored while watching it, even though I can almost recite the script. This gives it a massive 5 out of 5 for rewatchablilty. If I didn’t already own this one, I’d have to buy it.

You’d think that the line “There’s always time for lubricant” would have no competition in the category of “Best Film Quote of all time” but, such is the strength of the script, that it doesn’t even win best quote in Evolution.  That dubious honour goes to “ca-caw, ca-caw. Tooky tooky tooky” and a well deserving winner it is.

Do yourself a favour, if you haven’t already seen Evolution, go and watch it, and if you have, go watch it again.

What good would any sporting event be without some way to generate hype without substance? All of them spend as much if not more time promoting the event, otherwise there would be no viewers. So, why should Dodgy Movies, Reviewed! Showdowns! be any different. So here it is, the detailed preview.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li Versus Dragonball Evolution
What better way to introduce the world to the great sport of Mortal Kurling than with the opening match of Dodgy Movies. Reviewed! Showdowns! Will Dragonball Evolution’s super-slow-mo prove useful, or will it just allow Street Fighter to get in some additional cheap shots. Only time will tell. Street Fighter is likely to take this one, but it could be a close thing, and I’m not sure either of them deserves to be called a winner.

Little Shop of Horrors Versus Hairspray
The Carnivorous plant up against Zac Effron. We all know which way we want this to go, but do the rules allow for the consumption of the opposition, and will any ref have the balls to enforce them if they don’t. There’s only one result possible for this match, and it’s not going to the Disney boytoy.

Van Helsing Versus The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Hugh Jackman once again with memory loss, although one has to wonder if he has any to lose. Sean Connery with his patented Scottish is the only real accent. Will the star players have it their own way, or will the rest of the team have to pick up the slack. It’s likely to appear close, but only because hunters like to toy with their prey.

Blade Versus Underworld
Both of these heavyweights are champions in their own rights. What will happen when they clash. this one will go to the judges. One can only hope that a fair impartial decision can be reached. Or that the better competitor figures out how to bribe the judge.

V for Vendetta Versus Sin City
A clash of graphic novel titans, Frank Miller against Alan Moore. Only one possible sport could even be considered; Pictionary Death Match. Expect leet drawing skills, bile and bitterness as the opposing views of Hollywood clash. Two men pick up the pencil, only one will survive being stabbed with it.

MIB Versus Evolution
The Men in Black may find that the silica based life-form is just too strong for them. Will this hold them back or can Will Smith’s dance moves swing the tide in the MIB’s favour. If the fate of the world can be decided using sunglasses and rap, my money would be on the alien menace.

Wild Wild West Versus Shanghai Noon
No contest. Not even the cowboy Jackie Chan can stand up to the unbridled awesomeness of a giant mechanised spider. Fastest knockout ever is predicted, but perhaps Shanghai Noon can avoid being squashed for a short time.

Gone in 60 Seconds Versus Ocean’s Eleven
With fast cars and faster woman, it’s unlikely that Gone in 60 seconds will have their victory stolen from them by the all-male gang. This one is going to be anything but clean and the ref is going to have to have a keen eye to spot the trickery. Fortunately, the crowd will happily point it out to him. Can age and subtlety be the match for strength and power, or will the hare win the day.

Bad Boys Versus SWAT
Will Smith against Samuel L Jackson. They’re both big. They’re both black. But, only one of them has wielded a lightsaber. The Bad Motherfucker should be able to take this one to the bank.

Hot Fuzz Versus Rush Hour
David versus Goliath. The movie that has 2 sequels versus the barely known British indie film. While Goliath really should have the advantage, there’s always a nagging doubt that the original fight was fixed, merely so we could laugh when the confident little guy gets the shit kicked out of him in all future encounters. Rest assured that we at Dodgy Movies. Reviewed! Showdowns! will not fix any fights.

Unless it’s really really lucrative!!

Sleepy Hollow Versus Ghost Busters
The aging heavyweight against the relatively unknown featherweight. Will Ghostbuster’s age prove to be an obstacle too much, or can the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man toast Sleepy Hollow’s aspirations. Giant marshmallowy goodness is likely to win the day, but is there a decapitation in the sailor’s future.

GI JOE The Rise of Cobra Versus Transformers
Super Elite military unit up against Giant Robots. This matchup really should be a foregone conclusion or should it. Both have similar tactics, appealing to nostalgic feelings, reliving childhood memories and blowing shit up. Once again this will go to the judges decision, and even then the results aren’t likely to be conclusive.

Mars Attacks Versus Eight Legged Freaks
Bill Watterson invented the perfect sport for this match-up, Calvin Ball. There’s no way to call this, even if it wasn’t for the massive randomness of the game itself.

Payback Versus Boondock Saints
Violence, guns and revenge up againt violence, guns and revenge coupled with a gay detective played by Willem Dafoe. After many traded blows and no small amount of spilled blood Boondock Saints will emerge victorious, although standing may be a problem.

The Matrix Versus Equilibrium
The Matrix up against the Matrix with guns (whoever came up with that stupid description for Equilibrium clearly never watched the Matrix). Crowd support will be a big part in this match. The Matrix fans are likely to outnumber those of Equilibrium, but can the vocal minority raise their team to greatness. Time will tell.

The Incredibles Versus Hoodwinked
The final match of round 1 is no ordinary event. No bloodshed, no contact. No, for this one the presidential debate format will be used, with the hypothesis – Big Budget cartoons are better! However, in a reversal of tradition, The Incredibles will be opposed and Hoodwinked will be for. The arguments here should be interesting or at the very least amusing.

That’s it. All the matches, predicted winners and a few exciting sports. Let me know in the comments if you disagree. Maybe we can start the bloodshed early!

Hairspray is a strange movie. It’s a musical without giant man-eating plants. The tunes are vaguely catchy, but you’re far more likely to find yourself humming time warp, or some other similarly dodgy tune. To add to this lack of catchy, the film has a message, and even though I agree with the message, it’s not a plus in a dodgy movie.

So, what is it that makes this film like-able. Certainly not Zac Effron. In fact, finding out that he was in it almost diminshed the enjoyment. It wasn’t Queen Latifa either. It may have been John Travolta. He’s normally better value as a villain, but, in a female fat-suit, it’s a close second. Christopher Walken married to John Travolta definitely tips the scale in Hairspray’s favour.

Other than that, there’s not a lot going for it, but it has very few annoyances either, barring the aforementioned Effron character, damn Disney Channel has a lot to answer for.

Hairspray gets 4 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Rating for one reason and one reason only. John Travolta as a woman. This has endless possibilities for amusement, and Hairspray only scratches the surface. Perhaps we could convince him to do a hairspray sequel, but I won’t be holding my breath.

Hairspray requires a certain frame of mind to watch and as a result couldn’t get higher than 3 mutant smileys. It’s not something you’ll just grab out of the DVD cabinet, but it’s fun to watch occasionally. When you get tired of explosions, fight scenes and car chases, not that that is a regular occurrence.

Admitting to liking Hairspray may not get you any points in the heterosexual male olympics, but at least other dodgy movie afficianados may have some understanding.

And remember, we watch them, so you don’t have to.

I went into this film knowing a few things.  I knew Nicholas Cage would have emo-esque angst, I knew that at some point numerology would be mentioned, and I knew that Nicholas Cage would summon his super-emo angst powers that can make grass cut itself at ten paces and save the world.  I was only right on two of these.

The whole first half of the movie I kept on wondering how John (Nicholas Cage) was going to save the world.  He figured out the code, with a little help from a scotch ring, no coincidence that the ring happened to highlight 9/11/09, it couldn’t highlight some random date that had significance to John, like the date the hotel his wife was staying in burnt down.  But of course, that wouldn’t be transparent and easy for the audience to follow.

After he’s tried and failed to stop the second disaster I started to realise that, at last, someone had made an end-of-the-world movie in which the hero fails, and the world ends.  I started trying to figure out how the world ends.  I didn’t have to wait for long.  In a real Deus Ex Machina, which is a standard plot device for dodgy movies, but this one was excessive, John realised that the world was going to be destroyed by a super solarflare.  This really pissed me off.  There were so many opportunities for the writer to foreshadow this, or, even better, not have him realise and let the world be destroyed by a real random act of god.

But this lack of foreshadowing wasn’t the worst thing about the movie. No, that dubious honour is reserved for the biblical nature of the ending. How did the test audiences not pick up that this was a somewhat less than subtle attempt to mock Genesis, at least they could have done something interesting with it and made them pastafarians.

Knowing almost managed to rate 3 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, but the ending screwed up its chances. The cool disasters, like the plane crash deserved 3, but the dumb silent aliens and the fucking moronic ending forced me to drop the dodginess rating down to 2.

The only reason I can think of to watch this movie again is if you get off on the emo quality of Nicholas Cage’s acting. In fact, that’s pretty much the only reason i can think of to watch this movie once, and it started with such promise.

Unless, you want to witness Cage’s secret super emo power of being able to make grass cut itself at 10 paces, know that you should avoid this.

And Remember, We watch them so you don;t have to.

Street Fighter: The legend of Chun-Li was really up against it when I started watching. After all, it had serious prejudice to overcome after the last time a movie was made based on the game. The real injustice of the last Street Fighter film wasn’t that it “starred” (I wish text could convey sarcasm better) Jean Claude van Damme, but that it was the last film Raul Julia made. But, back to the question at hand. Could Street Fighter: The Rise of Chun-Li wipe the stain?

Well, No. But it’s not really Street Fighter: The Rise of Chun-Li’s fault. The only way to wipe the stain of the original would be to go back in time and prevent Jean-Claude van Damme from becoming an actor and that would lead to the time-cops hunting you down and oh god it’s a whole bad 90’s movie flashback. And here I thought I’d repressed all those memories.

The plot, is fairly standard Kung-Fu Mobster movie fair, with a little woo-woo thrown in to explain the force balls and stuff in the fight scenes. Basically, Chun-Li’s father is captured by the mob and forced to work for them in return for his daughter staying safe. Chun-Li vows revenge and the rest is fight scenes, explosions and really bad attempts to justify calling the movie Street Fighter. In fact, if it wasn’t for the character names, there would be nothing to link the movie to the game at all.

The film doesn’t really live up to the promise of the video game, and even though fight scenes and laughable intrigure abound, I was unable to give it higher than a 3 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Scale. The dodgiest moment in the film was not a scene as is usually the case, but rather a plot point. Why did the writers have to make it some mystical thing about how Bison became all evil. He couldn’t just be a monster. Noooo. He had to remove all the good things about his soul and put them into his unborn daughter so she could conveniently be used against him later.

Deciding on what to rate this for rewatchability was tricky. I couldn’t in all fairness rate it lower than Dragonball Evolution but then I see that I rated DBE as a 3 and I have to ask “What the fuck was I thinking?” It should have been a 2 at best, then I could have rated this as a 2. And then I remembered. I don’t need to be fair. i don’t even need to be consistent, I just need to not waste anymore time thinking about a movie who’s only redeeming feature was at least it didn’t star Jean Claude van Damme.

Unless you feel the need to feel the full effects of time stretching, when 5760 seconds feels like 2 days, I wouldn’t waste any time watching it.

And Remember, we watch them, so you don’t have to.

Hey there sports fans. Have we got a treat for you. Yes, I’m talking about the premier season of Dodgy Movies. Reviewed! SHOWDOWNS. We have some has-beens, some up-and-comers, and one or two all-time favourites.

What does the opening round hold in store? Well, we expect a few classic matches (Equilibrium Vs The Matrix, and Mars Attacks Vs Eight Legged Freaks) and some one-sided affairs (Hot Fuzz Vs Rush Hour). So strap yourselves in and brace for a rocking ride full of thrills, spills and Pictionary. (you’ll understand later)

And Remember. We Watch them, so you don’t have to.

Given that I’ve never really gotten into the Dragonball Z cartoons even though they looked like something that should appeal, I probably shouldn’t have rented Dragonball Evolution.  In retrospect, it was a good thing that I rented it as having it in my DVD collection would be kind of a black mark, and, I’m running out of spaces to put those.

It was watchable, aided by Chow Yun-Fat reprising his all knowing master role from Bulletproof Monk, with a suitable side of dodginess thrown in for good measure.  The prevalence of super- slowmo shots did make me wonder whether the director of 300 had got his claws into another movie, but then I remembered why I didn’t like the cartoon.  It was a result of the super-slowmo drawings which allowed 2 minutes of action to stretch into a 20 minute cartoon.  But, at least most of the slowmo was confined to the fight scenes which made them interesting.

The one thing that did bother me for the whole movie was how Piccolo managed to escape his imprisonment.  After all, seven mystics (hmm, 7 mystics, 7 dragonballs, coincidence or Deus Ex Machina, you decide) gave their lifes to cast the spell that imprisoned him, and yet, here he is floating around trying to get the dragonballs and rule the earth.  And seriously, Piccolo, what kind of a supervillain gets named after the smallest instrument.  Of course he’s going to become a supervillain, he’s got to compensate for something.

I was torn about how dodgy Dragonball Evolution really was.  On the one hand, it probably deserved 5 smiley of dodginess, there was energy being shot from people’s hands, cool fight scenes, and in what was almost the crowning moment, a teenage boy transforming into a giant ape and the “Shadow Crane Strike”.  But, on the other hand, it didn’t really look like much more than a live action version of the cartoon, complete with dodgy orange gi.  So, it got 3 smileys.  The dodgiest moment was a fight scene in which Goku manages to take out 7 kids (there’s that number again) without throwing a single punch or kick, which was an interesting take on defending yourself.

The rewatchability rating was a lot easier, and while it will hopefully never find it’s way into my DVD cabinet, it was worth a watch.  There were amusing fight scenes, reasonable eye candy, and a green villain that reminded me of  locust.  But, I wouldn’t rush out to watch it again, or at least, watch it again while sober.

The only memorable quote from this movie was “The first rule is… there are no rules”  The problem is, I know that this is not the first movie to use it.  Jim Carrey says it in Yes Man right before he punches out the wrong guy.  And even then I didn’t think it was the first time I’d heard it.  You’d think IMDB or Google would be able to help me out here, but no.  So if any of you know, please post it in the comments and end my suffering.

All things considered, Dragonball Evolution was a pleasant diversion, but it’s unlikely to prove to be a diversion after this.

And remember, We watch them, so you don’t have to.

Given my recent run of really bad choices I decided to return to the classics. Generally, picking just about any movie from the eighties is a guarantee of dodginess. The problem with movies from the eighties is that most of them have aged terribly and this results in the raping of happy childhood memories.

Fortunately, this choice resulted in my childhood memories not only remaining in tact, but being reinforced. The first time I saw Little Shop of Horrors two things were indelibly etched into the dodgy fibres of my being. The first was “Feed me, Seymour!” The second was just how much I wanted the Audrey II, or a plant just like it. It’s unfortunate that the catch phrase found it’s way into my vocabulary to be uttered whenever I insert my card into the ATM. But, it is probably fortunate that I never managed to get hold of a giant talking caniverous plant. If I had some way of getting rid of bodies, I suspect there would be far fewer people around that had the ability to annoy me.

Little Shop of Horrors, in case you didn’t know, is a musical. Normally, this would be a bad thing. However, the musical numbers are horribly catchy and you’ll find youself humming, whistling and in some extreme cases singin aloud after the completion of the movie. This is what makes it a really bad thing. The plot exists merely to get from one musical number to the next. Which is great because without that the dentist song would not exist.

But does it really deserve a 5 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man rating. Just the fact that the baddie is a giant talking caniverous alien plant would be enough dodginess to guarantee it top honours. Combine that with annoyingly catchy musical numbers, Rick Moranis as the hero (an unlikely event in anyone’s book) and Steve Martin as the sadistic dentist and you’ve got a veritable cornucopia of dodginess, and most of it is the good kind.

Despite all the praise, the film does still have a down side, which is why it only achieved a 3 on the rewatchability index. The female lead, she of the high pitched whine that borders on dog whistle, is one of these. The annoyingly catchy musical numbers also contribute to this. After one viewing they stick in your head for days. I suspect that multiple viewings may imprint them so firmly that they would require hypnotherapy or Spice Girls songs to remove, neither of which is an appealing option.

All told, Little Shop of Horrors is most chucklesome when watching it with polite company and hysterically amusing when watched with other afficianados of the dodgy movie.

And remember – We watch them so you don’t have to.

Whenever you have a bad run at anything, you can tell whether you have optimistic or pessimistic tendencies. You look at new things and think either “Oh great, another in a long line of crap,” or “maybe this one will be the turning point.” Unfortunately, if you get disappointed often enough it doesn’t matter how bright and cheerful a disposition you have, experience will soon wear you down until you begin to think about giving up. This is almost the point that I have reached.

The movie that pushed me to this point, if you could call it a movie as opposed to a complete waste of pixels is “Step Brothers” This crowning moment in the history of dull cinema stars Will Ferrell and John C Reilly as 40 year olds who still live with their respective single parents. They hate each other, then they learn a valuable lesson and become best friends. And pretty much, that’s about it, the movie in one sentence, and not even a very long one.

Now, you’d think that 40yr olds acting like 10 yr olds would be amusing. Unfortunately the execution of the idea was lacking. It was like going to the Serengeti and missing the migration.

Being crude merely to shock the audience, is no longer enough. At the time American Pie was made it may have been, after all, the apple pie scene was incredibly risqué at the time. Now, however, that would classify as standard cinema fair, and this is one of the problems with the current crop of films. What the level of crudity in a film tells you about is the maturity level of the director and the creative brilliance, or lack thereof that the writers are able to summon.

Maybe I’m being too harsh, maybe I’ve finally outgrown this sort of movie, but then I look at the films in my collection and realise that the chances of that happening are about as good as anything starring Will Ferrell to have Oscar aspirations. Maybe I’ve just been incredibly unlucky in my choice of movies to watch and there are still some good ones around, or and this is my new theory, perhaps we are now getting all the movies that were made during the writers strike. The timing is correct, and it would explain why movies that seem to lack pace, direction and originality or formulaic humour are the only ones I seem to be picking up off the DVD rack.

On to the ratings. The fact that you’ve read this far and only seen a couple of sentences about the movie should tell you how I feel, but I’m going to spell it out just so you can’t turn around and tell me that I wasn’t clear enough and you thought I was recommending this and that I know owe you what feels like 10 hours of your life back. The movie sucked. It scores a 1 on both the rewatchability index and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Scale.

I did however learn a valuable lesson while watching this film. If, at any point you find yourself thinking “I would rather be watching Aeon Flux” it’s time to turn off the DVD player or walk out of the cinema and go bang your head into a wall. At least that may have some point in that if you do it often or hard enough there is a chance that it could cause you to forget the pain and suffering you’ve just endured by something that is in clear violation of the Geneva convention and the people who green-lighted the film should be tried at the War Crimes Court.

And Remember – We watch them, so you don’t have to.

We all have our gifts. For some it’s the ability to hit a little red ball nine times out of ten. For some, it’s being able to take a piece of wood and some metal wires and being able to belt out a tune that is remembered for generations. For me, it’s the ability to sit through just about any movie, no matter how dodgy it is. And recently, this skill has been sorely tested.

It all started with Leatherheads. This was followed up with Clerks II. I fail to understand how a movie that includes a donkey sex show could still manage to put me to sleep, yet it managed. Next came Hancock, more on that one at a later date, but what a sucky superhero weakness. Finally, came “The Promotion”.

From the cover it looked like it should be amusing. Sean William Scott and John C Reilly get to fight over a promotion in the cut-throat world of supermarket management. Hilarity and hijinks should have ensued, possibly coupled with the odd caw-caw and tooky tooky. Instead boredom and death defying dullness was what followed once play had been pressed.

The only part of the film that was at all memorable was during a speech in which it was promised that the supermarket chain, donaldson’s or stevenson’s or some name that you would remember if they had’ve inspired any degree of caring, would continue to provide trolleys with one wheel that doesn’t work. The fact that this is all I remember of the film speaks volumes.

Their may have been dodginess, but this has been wiped out by the overwhelming apathy, which is the only feeling inspired by the film. If given a choice between watching “The Promotion” or “Aeon Flux” I would have to choose the latter. At least that could be made amusing in a mystery science theatre 3000 way.

If you have to avoid one film this year, make sure that it’s this one.

And Remember – We watch them, so you don’t have to.