Archive for the ‘2 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men’ Category

Catwoman

Catwoman starring Halle Berry held a lot of promise. Halle Berry, in tight leather outfits wielding a whip. That was an image that should have been able to carry the movie by itself. Unfortunately, it didn’t. It’s kind of hard to decidde why the movie was so bad. The terrible dialogue, stiff acting or abysmal cinematography may all have contributed to the feeling of despair I had while watching this film. I think the only thing that managed to keep my interest was waiting for the ad breaks, after all, there might be a new advert or at least an old advert that I enjoyed.

Any superhero movie that takes 40 minutes before the superhero even starts to get her powers is off to a bad start. I should have stopped watching then, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. The only redeeming feature in the film was Patience’s, (Catwoman’s alter ego’s), boss as he was the actor who played the Merovingian in the Matrix series, which allowed me to think of the Matrix and the happier times that that memory brought me. Unfortunately that didn’t last for long as I was brought back to the horror of the scenes on the television. Time to wrap this review up before I run out of polite adjectives and have to resort to swearing.

There are many dodgy moments in the film. At 24 frames a second for 6240 seconds that makes 149760 dodgy moments, and there wasn’t a single one I would call my favourite. Actually, I lie. The end credits had a certain something. Mainly because they signify that the carnage was over and I could now get down to the serious business of forgetting that I ever saw the film. I found it hard to assign a dodginess rating to this film, mainly because I see dodgy as a good thing, which this film was not. In the end, it scored 2 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man scale, After all quantity is not always a good thing.

If a 1 on the scale is reserved for movies that I would only watch once, this one scores a 0, otherwise known as the antinike, just don’t do it. Yes, don’t even watch it to see if it really is as bad as I say. That is the trap I fell for.

Again, a tough choice, mainly to find a quote that was remotely memorable. In the end I had to go with one with which I could identify. “Would you go out on a ledge to save a strange cat?” “Only if the cat was carrying pizza.”

I think I finally understand the true meaning of the phrase curiosity killed the cat. Don’t watch this film, ever.





Help me protect you from films like this. Donate now.

300

300 is a bit of a strange movie. I only realised during the final scene that it was a saga in the style of the Odyssey or any of those other historical Greek poems with visuals being used to avoid the long descriptions, which they felt were necessary to put in using a Narrator anyway. Maybe, if I had realised this earlier, I would have enjoyed it more, but I doubt it.

I don’t think I’ve ever watched a film quite like 300. It had some gratuitous sex, lots of gratuitous violence and still almost managed to put me to sleep. How could a film based solely on a band of 300 men defying an army of thousands put you to sleep I hear you ask, and to tell the truth, I’m still puzzled at that one myself.

Maybe it was the number of slow motion impaling-death sequences they showed, like they were worried about running out of film during shooting so they used slow motion sequences to stretch 30 minutes of footage into a 90 minute film. Maybe, it was the half-hearted (and I’m probably being a little generous here) attempt at using any semblance of a plot so that the film didn’t consist solely of gratuitous violence, although that might have improved it. Or maybe it was the fact that the CGI was so appalling that the blood looked like solid chunks of rock and the wolf at the beginning, well, words cannot describe it. Suffice to say that if the narrator hadn’t told us it was a wolf, we’d still be wondering how the Spartans had managed to master genetic manipulation. All of these things combined to form a completely forgettable film and I find myself wondering how it got any reviews at all, nevermind any reviews that were positive.

A film consisting solely of gratuitous violence strung together with minor narrative really should score full marks on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Scale, but, seeing as how most of the combat sequences felt like repeats of the first one and the fact that if it wasn’t still light outside while I was watching it I would have fallen asleep, it only manages to score a 2. I should have realised when the film makers decided to unleash this monstrosity on the world at Comic Con and not at one of the film festivals that they realised how bad it was and tried to cover it up by doing something unusual. And it worked, they got their publicity, and won the dodgiest moment award. The second one without even trying.

Where some films suffer from ADD directors, and I’m thinking of Aeon Flux in particular, this one seems to have a director hopped up on serious dinosaur tranquilisers. Maybe the slow motion sequences would seem to be real time if I was stoned out of my bracket, and that might have been the secret ingredient I was missing while watching. However, watching in real time was so bad that you had time to leave the room, make a cup of tea, and return before the spear had finished going through the body of a Persian soldier. But, to it’s credit, 300 just managed to avoid getting the not-so-coveted Anti-Nike and scored a 1 on the rewatchability index.

When you spend half the movie trying to place the voice of the Narrator, (who is the monk in Van Helsing that invents all the cool equipment), it’s not likely that you remember too many quotes. Fortunately, IMDB comes to the rescue, and a quick browse of what people think are the memorable quotes reveals that I didn’t miss too much. The only one that is vaguely memorable is because of the foreshadowing inherent in the quote. “Our arrows shall blot out the sun” “Then we will fight in the shade” and lets face it, it’s not a very good one.

Unless you have a morbid curiosity and insist on watching things to see if they are as bad as people tell you, or have an insatiable lust for gore, 300 can stay in the DVD case in the shop. You may want to watch it if it comes out on television and it’s free, but I am sure you will have better things to do with your time, like learning why cat bathing is considered a martial art, or if all else fails, watching paint dry. You won’t be missing anything by skipping this one.

Knowing

I went into this film knowing a few things.  I knew Nicholas Cage would have emo-esque angst, I knew that at some point numerology would be mentioned, and I knew that Nicholas Cage would summon his super-emo angst powers that can make grass cut itself at ten paces and save the world.  I was only right on two of these.

The whole first half of the movie I kept on wondering how John (Nicholas Cage) was going to save the world.  He figured out the code, with a little help from a scotch ring, no coincidence that the ring happened to highlight 9/11/09, it couldn’t highlight some random date that had significance to John, like the date the hotel his wife was staying in burnt down.  But of course, that wouldn’t be transparent and easy for the audience to follow.

After he’s tried and failed to stop the second disaster I started to realise that, at last, someone had made an end-of-the-world movie in which the hero fails, and the world ends.  I started trying to figure out how the world ends.  I didn’t have to wait for long.  In a real Deus Ex Machina, which is a standard plot device for dodgy movies, but this one was excessive, John realised that the world was going to be destroyed by a super solarflare.  This really pissed me off.  There were so many opportunities for the writer to foreshadow this, or, even better, not have him realise and let the world be destroyed by a real random act of god.

But this lack of foreshadowing wasn’t the worst thing about the movie. No, that dubious honour is reserved for the biblical nature of the ending. How did the test audiences not pick up that this was a somewhat less than subtle attempt to mock Genesis, at least they could have done something interesting with it and made them pastafarians.

Knowing almost managed to rate 3 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, but the ending screwed up its chances. The cool disasters, like the plane crash deserved 3, but the dumb silent aliens and the fucking moronic ending forced me to drop the dodginess rating down to 2.

The only reason I can think of to watch this movie again is if you get off on the emo quality of Nicholas Cage’s acting. In fact, that’s pretty much the only reason i can think of to watch this movie once, and it started with such promise.

Unless, you want to witness Cage’s secret super emo power of being able to make grass cut itself at 10 paces, know that you should avoid this.

And Remember, We watch them so you don;t have to.

Ooh Shiny
Most Rewatchable Movies
Looking for a Movie - Check Here
The Rewatchability Index

    Don't Think Just Buy it



    Watch it now, Buy it later



    Watch it later, decide whether to buy it



    Watch it if there's nothing else on



    You have been warned



The Dodginess Index

    Carnivorous singing plants and yodelling goats are standard fixtures



    Guns, car chases and explosions



    Gun, car chase and smoke bombs



    Bad one liners



    Best Picture Oscar Winner