Archive for the ‘Just Don’t Do It’ Category

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

When watching a movie there are two questions you should ask yourself at the end.  This first and least important is “How dodgy was that movie?”  In this case, the answer was supremely.  The second, and really the only question that matters “Did I enjoy that?”  For Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, the answer was a resounding No.
Normally, a collaboration between Tim Burton and Johnny Depp has my dodgy sense tingling, and when I first saw this film advertising it rang like a fire bell. The opening sequence had me a little concerned, but it is Tim Burton and I was kind of expecting what was delivered. Then the singing started, which, I was also expecting. What I wasn’t expecting was how repetitive it would be. Needless to say, this was more than a little offputting.

Now, I was vaguely familiar with the source material and the storyline, so I wasn’t expecting a whole lot.  After all, it’s about a barber who kills his clients, and then disposes of the bodies by turning them into meat pies through Mrs Lovett’s Meat Pie Emporium.  I was expecting a fairly dark musical with some humor, instead of a dark repetitive tune with different words.

In case you haven’t noticed, the music was repetitive and annoying (kind of like my lack of vocabularly for describing it).

This was supremely dodgy and would have gotten a high rating just based on the Burton/Depp collaboration.  Throw in the throat slashing barber and you have a 5 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man scale.  It’s kind of hard to single out the dodgiest moment with the whole film attaining a pretty constant level, but the opening sequence showing the bloody path through the mincing machinery sets the stage and makes you wonder just what you’ve got yourself in for.

While rating very high on the dodgy stakes, I found myself wondering on more than one occasion why I was continuing to subject myself to this.  The answer, I did it, so you won’t have to.  This one ranks right up there with Aeon Flux and Catwoman as far as whether or not you should watch it.  Don’t!

It was a musical, so not much dialogue.  Even the lyrics weren’t all that memorable.  Or they may have been and I’ve just tried to block them all out in an effort to forget I ever watched this.

When not even Alan Rickman can save a movie, you know it shouldn’t have been made.  Don’t waste valuable hours of your time watching this one.

Catwoman

Catwoman starring Halle Berry held a lot of promise. Halle Berry, in tight leather outfits wielding a whip. That was an image that should have been able to carry the movie by itself. Unfortunately, it didn’t. It’s kind of hard to decidde why the movie was so bad. The terrible dialogue, stiff acting or abysmal cinematography may all have contributed to the feeling of despair I had while watching this film. I think the only thing that managed to keep my interest was waiting for the ad breaks, after all, there might be a new advert or at least an old advert that I enjoyed.

Any superhero movie that takes 40 minutes before the superhero even starts to get her powers is off to a bad start. I should have stopped watching then, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. The only redeeming feature in the film was Patience’s, (Catwoman’s alter ego’s), boss as he was the actor who played the Merovingian in the Matrix series, which allowed me to think of the Matrix and the happier times that that memory brought me. Unfortunately that didn’t last for long as I was brought back to the horror of the scenes on the television. Time to wrap this review up before I run out of polite adjectives and have to resort to swearing.

There are many dodgy moments in the film. At 24 frames a second for 6240 seconds that makes 149760 dodgy moments, and there wasn’t a single one I would call my favourite. Actually, I lie. The end credits had a certain something. Mainly because they signify that the carnage was over and I could now get down to the serious business of forgetting that I ever saw the film. I found it hard to assign a dodginess rating to this film, mainly because I see dodgy as a good thing, which this film was not. In the end, it scored 2 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man scale, After all quantity is not always a good thing.

If a 1 on the scale is reserved for movies that I would only watch once, this one scores a 0, otherwise known as the antinike, just don’t do it. Yes, don’t even watch it to see if it really is as bad as I say. That is the trap I fell for.

Again, a tough choice, mainly to find a quote that was remotely memorable. In the end I had to go with one with which I could identify. “Would you go out on a ledge to save a strange cat?” “Only if the cat was carrying pizza.”

I think I finally understand the true meaning of the phrase curiosity killed the cat. Don’t watch this film, ever.





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