Archive for the ‘Rewatchability Index’ Category

I finally managed to get my grubby paws on a copy of Avatar.  I wanted to see what all the hype was about.  Why this was “The Film of the year” and more importantly why so many people were surprised that it didn’t win the Oscar (although, that says a whole lot more about the people who thought this was a great movie than it does about the quality of the movie itself)

As you can tell from the ratings, I didn’t think all that much of Avatar.  It was enjoyable, but I have a large number of, well, let’s say comments, because I’m in a good mood and don’t want to scare you all off just yet.

Let’s start with the length of the film.  It did not need to be what felt like 6 hours.  At least half the film was taken up with pointless scenery and “look what we can do with computers”  If they had’ve cut even half the pointless scenes out of the film they could have saved an hour and 100 million dollars, and no-one would have cared.

Normally, I like simple to follow plots, which Avatar has.  But the hype around how great the film was centered on the storyline as well as the visual effects.  So, let’s look at that.  The damaged hero get’s a new lease on life and learns how to live again has been done so many times that it doesn’t even count as a plot anymore.  Clicheperhaps might be a better.

But these are minor gripes.  What kind of a God complex must humans have for us to force all intelligent life in the universe to conform to a bipedal humanoid shape.  Surely it’s possible on a planet that doesn’t seem to have any apelike creatures and that most of the lifeforms encountered have 6 limbs, that the dominant lifeform would not be human shaped.  (only having four fingers does not count as a significant enough difference).

Perhaps, the reason is more mundane.  Maybe, the audience is unable to identify with anything that isn’t a recognisable human derivative.  This really doesn’t bode well for when we finally make contact with the intelligent unicellular blobs from Alpha Centauri.

My final comment on Avatar.  Why were they on Pandora.  To obtain a mineral.  The name of the mineral, Unobtanium.  Fuck.  At least use a name with 37 syllables, not something taken directly from “The Core”.

Perhaps I should have seen Avatar at the cinema in 3D, but I feel that 3D is merely a gimmick designed to distract the audience from a dull uninspired movie, and given my reaction to the television version, I’m unlikely to change this opinion any time in the near future.

If you’ve got nothing better to do, go watch Avatar.  But you’d be better off watching a real alien movie like “Alien” or Evolution.

It’s not often that you watch a cartoon that is just so cool that you don’t care about the sickly sweet kiddie friendly plot, or the message that the producers tried to shoehorn into it about how we’re all the same underneath the different colour skin and how we can all live together in peace and love and rainbows and puppies and all that other crap.  (There are “puppies” in this film, but they’re cool and we’ll get to them later)  Planet 51 manages all this, and it’s just great.

The film revolves around some kind of plot in which the human astronaut lands and becomes the alien.  Something that was done before in Monsters Inc.  But that’s all besides the point.  The point of Planet 51 is to be a complete mockery of “the Ameican Way of Life” in the fifties, and, all the cool big budget horror/sci-fi films that have happened since then.

There’s even a scene in which the citizen’s patrol are being instructed on how to deal with the Alien invasion through a series of instruction manuals, two of which were attacked by sea monsters and attack by a 50 foot woman.  Planet 51 is even better than Monsters Vs. Aliens. (and i loved that film more than I should probably ever admit).

Cartoons really have to overachieve to reach 5 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man scale, and while Planet 51 often had me going all Keanu Reeve’s “whoa, that was cool!”  it never had me going “wow, that was fucking dodgy”.  There isn’t really a dodgiest moment, but rather dodgiest characters, and the award is shared.  Both characters are “puppies”.  There’s the alien dog from whichever alien movie had a dog infested with an alien (I think it was Alien 3 but feel free to correct me in the comments), complete with acidic urine and a tongue that was basically a face hugger.  The second dodgiest character was Rover, an unmanned probe that had the personality of a dog.  It was basically Wall-E, but with more personality.  The meeting of the two of them, complete with butt-sniffing had me falling off my chair.

Planet 51 got a gigantic 5 alien smileys.  It rocked.  I just wish I had’ve found it sooner so I would have more time to appreciate it.  As it is, I suspect that each time you watch it there are going to be additional alien movie cliches that you pick up.

The film’s script is alright.  In general, it’s not fantastic and is suitable for kiddies.  however, it does contain some real gems.  “Your daily dose of Chuck” is one of them, but the real winner in the most memorable quote is “The whole planet is full of alien life and you send back pictures of rocks.”  I’m sure this is what happened with the Mars Rover.  The sent the thing there to get interesting pictures of the rocks, so that’s what it sent back.

Normally, this is where I have final comments.  But there is something that needs to be added.  Planet 41 has the best use of “The Macarena” I’ve ever scene.  It starts playing when the aliens drop Chuck’s ipod and all of them fall to the ground holding their ears in agony (think Mars Attacks style, without the exploding heads) until someone shoots the device.   It’s even referred to as a “Heinous weapon” and if that wasn’t sufficient as a cruel sadistic device.  Stop the Madness indeed.

Planet 51 didn’t get nearly as much hype as it deserved, but fortunately, I managed to watch it before it descended into obscurity.  You should too.

The Wachowski Brothers were geniuses.  Not only did they manage to make floor length black trenchcoats cool again, but 10 years after the original release, The Matrix is still mindblowingly awesome.  In fact, The Matrix is so cool that even if they devoted the rest of their live to making movies like Aeon Flux, Catwoman and Elektra, their awesomeness would still rank well in positive numbers.
I’m not going to bother going into the plot here because if you’re reading this after seeing The Matrix I needn’t bother, and if you’ve got this far without seeing it, you need to go directly to your favourite dvd retailer, buy it, and come back after watching it.  You may find you need to watch it a couple of times before you can drag yourself away from it though.
While some of the acting is pretty good, (not Keanu Reeves’ performance, but he just had to look pretty), it’s not the acting that makes the movie, it’s the special effects.  The invention of “Bullet Time”, without which Max Payne would have just been another completely ordinary FPS, was a stroke of true genius, and allowed them to create gunfights that gave John Woo wet dreams.

The Matrix is one of those movies which causes me to feel great sadness that the dodginess and rewatchability scales only go up to 5.  It just jumps from scenes that make you go “Wow” to ones that cause you to exclaim “Oh My God, that was sooooooo awesome!!1!1!!1!oneone”  In case you hadn’t figured it out already, The Matrix scores a 5 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man index.  Choosing the dodgiest moment in this movie feels like having to choose between puppies in a pet store.  They’re all so good it doesn’t matter which one you choose you’ll still feel bad that you had to leave some behind.  In the end, I had to look for the least dodgy moment, which is Mr Anderson getting into trouble for being late to work again.  At this stage, you could still almost believe that this was going to be just another office-drone-cuts-loose movie.

The Matrix scores a 5 on the rewatchability rating, but really deserves more, pesky limited rating system.  Normally, movies like this have a couple of scenes that make you want to rewatch the movie.  The Matrix is not like this.  The whole film makes you want to rewatch the movie.  Even the scenes that progress the story rather than devolve into action orgasms are necessary as they allow you a chance to recover before another wave of toe-curling cinematography explodes on the screen in front of you.

You’re always tempted to go with the more common main stream quotations like “There is no spoon,” or “Why didn’t I take the blue pill?” when looking to quote a movie like the matrix. However, this would cause you to miss what is undoubtedly the best line in the film, “Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

Just remember, you can’t watch The Matrix, you have to experience it.

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I’m always a little nervous when people suggest movies to review. I never know whether they think they are asking me to review a cool dodgy film, or whether I’ve pissed them off and they are inflicting another Shoot ‘Em Up on me.  Fortunately, I’d already seen Tank Girl, so I did have some idea of what I was getting into.

Now, the last time I saw Tank Girl I was young and foolish.  Now, I’m just as foolish, but it has been a number of years since I watched Tank Girl, and age dims memories.  I remembered the kangaroos, I remembered the comic book interludes, I even remembered the awesome broadway style hooker dance sequence to “Let’s Do It”.  What I didn’t remember was the proliferation of Australian accents.  Now, some accents are lyrical, sexy and gentle on the ears.  The Aussie twang is none of these.  There are worse sounds, like a vulture that arrived last at the animal carcass, but those aren’t present in Tank Girl.

Despite this, Tank Girl is watchable, especially because it includes Jet Girl, the subject of boyhood fantasies everywhere.  But, even cooler (depending on your definition of cool) is the sentient tank.  Since watching this I often imagine sitting in an armchair on the roof of my car while it blows up the people who piss me off in traffic.

It’s hard to find a moment in Tank Girl that isn’t dodgy.  From the mutant mangaroos to the kick-ass weapon that sucks the fluid from a body and turns it into potable water.  And yet, the dodginess tried to tread the line between completely over the top and genuine superhero/comic-book movie.  This should always have gone for over the top and the bits that weren’t dragged it down a little yielding a score of 4 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Index.  The dodgiest moment in Tank Girl was relatively easy to pick.  it had to go to the choreographed hookers dancing to “Let’s do it”  The  movie is worth owning just for this scene.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are a number of Australian accents which detract from the viewing experience.  however, if you can get past this the film presents an enjoyable, if disjointed, show.  And while it’s not going to be the first choice on most peoples list, it is worth a watch.  Tank Girl scores a respectable 3 Mutant Smileys.

On we go to the part that occasionally I really dread.  Picking a memorable quote in some movies is almost like finding a virgin at Mardi Gras.  There are plenty of lines that look like they might be suitable, but on closer examination you find that you’ve been duped.  Fortunately, Tank Girl has a line that perfectly sums up my feelings about poetry, especially that taught at school. “Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues, shoot me now, please.”

Tank Girl is a pleasant diversion if you are a fan of mindles violence, skimpy outfits and can put up with the Australian twang.  Otherwise, you may want to skip it.

(<—-  Buy it here if you want to watch it, because no self-respecting video store would have a copy on it’s shelves.  I’ve got a copy, but then self respect doesn’t really have any part to play in my DVD collection)

Thank you for Smoking is directed by Jason Reitman, Ivan Reitman’s son. Now, coming from such a dodgy pedigree, you’d think aliens, ghosts and giant marshmallow men would be a standard fixture. There’s none of this, not even a lone ca-caw. There are, however, a lot of people talking. Normally, this would result in a snooze fest and not even register on the domodar ™. However, the great script coupled with some fantastic acting by Aaron Eckhart and William H Macy make it a shining beacon of dodginess in the low budget quagmire that it would otherwise be relegated to.

There isn’t really a plot in the standard guy has to save the world from evil kind of way. If anything, this is a guy having to inflict evil on the world and save it from the hands of the do-gooders. Nick Naylor is a smug bastard and in any other film he would be the bad guy, and quite a detestable one at that. Aaron Eckhart manages to make Nick a likeable character, to the extent that you feel for him when he gets screwed, in all senses of the word, by the journalist (Katie Holmes).

There’s a point where if the film stopped it would have really sucked. The protagonist (calling him a good guy would be a bit of a stretch) would have lost, and would have resulted in the film having a serious moral as opposed to promoting satire. Fortunately, Nick gets a chance to make things right, or at least inflict some kharmic retribution.

There are no big budget special effects, and yet, surprisingly, this one still rates a 4 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man scale. There are five moments that compete for the venerable title of dodgiest moment; 2 instructional type safety videos, 2 television talk shows and Bobby J Bliss walking through a metal detector. And the winner would have to be the opening sequence, featuring “Cancer Boy” (a sucky superhero name if ever there was one). This really sets up the film, and while the moments coming after are possibly more dodgy, they don’t have the same shock impact.

This has got to be the most light-hearted intense film I’ve ever watched. If you’re looking for something that makes you think, it’ll fit the bill. If you’re just looking for a few laughs, it will provide that too. The only thing it won’t be suitable for is if you’re looking for something that allows your brain to switch off while your eyes go “ooooh, pretty!”, you’ll have to watch an Ivan Reitman film for that.  As a result, Thank You For Smoking gets 4 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men of dodginess.

A film which consists almost entirely of people talking is always going to have a number of great quotations, especially when it has superb source material. It was incredibly difficult to pick the best lines out of the sheer number in the film, but I’ve managed to narrow it down to three, all of which tie for first place. “After watching footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then 17 signed up for the national guard so that he too could shoot college students, but, the national guard recruiter was out to lunch so Bobby J ended up shooting Panamanians instead.” This gives you all the knowledge you need to understand Bobby Jay’s motivations in life. The second one describes the way we all feel about politicians “I’d like him to feel immeasurable pain and humiliation.” “That’ll be tough, he’s already a senator.” Finally, and this one just made me laugh “Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent.”

This gem of a film almost slipped under the radar with it’s lack of publicity and short time on the circuit. Fortunately for you, I caught it before it descended into obscurity. This one is a real thinking person’s dodgy film, but despite that, most of you should enjoy it.

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