Archive for the ‘3 Mutant Smileys’ Category

Hairspray is a strange movie. It’s a musical without giant man-eating plants. The tunes are vaguely catchy, but you’re far more likely to find yourself humming time warp, or some other similarly dodgy tune. To add to this lack of catchy, the film has a message, and even though I agree with the message, it’s not a plus in a dodgy movie.

So, what is it that makes this film like-able. Certainly not Zac Effron. In fact, finding out that he was in it almost diminshed the enjoyment. It wasn’t Queen Latifa either. It may have been John Travolta. He’s normally better value as a villain, but, in a female fat-suit, it’s a close second. Christopher Walken married to John Travolta definitely tips the scale in Hairspray’s favour.

Other than that, there’s not a lot going for it, but it has very few annoyances either, barring the aforementioned Effron character, damn Disney Channel has a lot to answer for.

Hairspray gets 4 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Rating for one reason and one reason only. John Travolta as a woman. This has endless possibilities for amusement, and Hairspray only scratches the surface. Perhaps we could convince him to do a hairspray sequel, but I won’t be holding my breath.

Hairspray requires a certain frame of mind to watch and as a result couldn’t get higher than 3 mutant smileys. It’s not something you’ll just grab out of the DVD cabinet, but it’s fun to watch occasionally. When you get tired of explosions, fight scenes and car chases, not that that is a regular occurrence.

Admitting to liking Hairspray may not get you any points in the heterosexual male olympics, but at least other dodgy movie afficianados may have some understanding.

And remember, we watch them, so you don’t have to.

Given that I’ve never really gotten into the Dragonball Z cartoons even though they looked like something that should appeal, I probably shouldn’t have rented Dragonball Evolution.  In retrospect, it was a good thing that I rented it as having it in my DVD collection would be kind of a black mark, and, I’m running out of spaces to put those.

It was watchable, aided by Chow Yun-Fat reprising his all knowing master role from Bulletproof Monk, with a suitable side of dodginess thrown in for good measure.  The prevalence of super- slowmo shots did make me wonder whether the director of 300 had got his claws into another movie, but then I remembered why I didn’t like the cartoon.  It was a result of the super-slowmo drawings which allowed 2 minutes of action to stretch into a 20 minute cartoon.  But, at least most of the slowmo was confined to the fight scenes which made them interesting.

The one thing that did bother me for the whole movie was how Piccolo managed to escape his imprisonment.  After all, seven mystics (hmm, 7 mystics, 7 dragonballs, coincidence or Deus Ex Machina, you decide) gave their lifes to cast the spell that imprisoned him, and yet, here he is floating around trying to get the dragonballs and rule the earth.  And seriously, Piccolo, what kind of a supervillain gets named after the smallest instrument.  Of course he’s going to become a supervillain, he’s got to compensate for something.

I was torn about how dodgy Dragonball Evolution really was.  On the one hand, it probably deserved 5 smiley of dodginess, there was energy being shot from people’s hands, cool fight scenes, and in what was almost the crowning moment, a teenage boy transforming into a giant ape and the “Shadow Crane Strike”.  But, on the other hand, it didn’t really look like much more than a live action version of the cartoon, complete with dodgy orange gi.  So, it got 3 smileys.  The dodgiest moment was a fight scene in which Goku manages to take out 7 kids (there’s that number again) without throwing a single punch or kick, which was an interesting take on defending yourself.

The rewatchability rating was a lot easier, and while it will hopefully never find it’s way into my DVD cabinet, it was worth a watch.  There were amusing fight scenes, reasonable eye candy, and a green villain that reminded me of  locust.  But, I wouldn’t rush out to watch it again, or at least, watch it again while sober.

The only memorable quote from this movie was “The first rule is… there are no rules”  The problem is, I know that this is not the first movie to use it.  Jim Carrey says it in Yes Man right before he punches out the wrong guy.  And even then I didn’t think it was the first time I’d heard it.  You’d think IMDB or Google would be able to help me out here, but no.  So if any of you know, please post it in the comments and end my suffering.

All things considered, Dragonball Evolution was a pleasant diversion, but it’s unlikely to prove to be a diversion after this.

And remember, We watch them, so you don’t have to.

Given my recent run of really bad choices I decided to return to the classics. Generally, picking just about any movie from the eighties is a guarantee of dodginess. The problem with movies from the eighties is that most of them have aged terribly and this results in the raping of happy childhood memories.

Fortunately, this choice resulted in my childhood memories not only remaining in tact, but being reinforced. The first time I saw Little Shop of Horrors two things were indelibly etched into the dodgy fibres of my being. The first was “Feed me, Seymour!” The second was just how much I wanted the Audrey II, or a plant just like it. It’s unfortunate that the catch phrase found it’s way into my vocabulary to be uttered whenever I insert my card into the ATM. But, it is probably fortunate that I never managed to get hold of a giant talking caniverous plant. If I had some way of getting rid of bodies, I suspect there would be far fewer people around that had the ability to annoy me.

Little Shop of Horrors, in case you didn’t know, is a musical. Normally, this would be a bad thing. However, the musical numbers are horribly catchy and you’ll find youself humming, whistling and in some extreme cases singin aloud after the completion of the movie. This is what makes it a really bad thing. The plot exists merely to get from one musical number to the next. Which is great because without that the dentist song would not exist.

But does it really deserve a 5 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man rating. Just the fact that the baddie is a giant talking caniverous alien plant would be enough dodginess to guarantee it top honours. Combine that with annoyingly catchy musical numbers, Rick Moranis as the hero (an unlikely event in anyone’s book) and Steve Martin as the sadistic dentist and you’ve got a veritable cornucopia of dodginess, and most of it is the good kind.

Despite all the praise, the film does still have a down side, which is why it only achieved a 3 on the rewatchability index. The female lead, she of the high pitched whine that borders on dog whistle, is one of these. The annoyingly catchy musical numbers also contribute to this. After one viewing they stick in your head for days. I suspect that multiple viewings may imprint them so firmly that they would require hypnotherapy or Spice Girls songs to remove, neither of which is an appealing option.

All told, Little Shop of Horrors is most chucklesome when watching it with polite company and hysterically amusing when watched with other afficianados of the dodgy movie.

And remember – We watch them so you don’t have to.