Archive for the ‘Rewatchability Index’ Category

Mr. & Mrs. Smith is really a chick flick masquerading as gun porn. The plot is your standard boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back, although in the true spirit of gun porn, it reads more along the lines of boy meets girl, boy and girl try to kill each other, boy and girl makeup and kill everyone else, using a selection of guns, knives and a minivan.

The action sequences in Mr. & Mrs. Smith are fairly standard fair, and wouldn’t really qualify as gun porn if it wasn’t for Angelina Jolie’s double handed technique.  It get’s used lovingly on a sniper rifle, with pent-up aggression on a shotgun and, my personal favourite, while she’s on her knees.

Even so, Mr. & Mrs. Smith would have been a forgettable punctuation mark in both careers, if it wasn’t for the rumours of Brad Pitt trying out Anglina’s double handed technique himself.  Given the subsequent breakup of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, I think it would be safe to say that he liked it.

As I’ve said before, Mr. & Mrs. Smith is standard action fair and scores a 3 on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man scale. As far as dodgiest moment goes, well, where to start. I could talk about the 2 armouries in the house, one in the oven and one below the garden shed. I could mention the “Strip Search Tango” or the awesome gunbattle/fight scene between Mr and Mrs Smith that destroys their house (the scene that includes Mrs. Smith sliding around on her knees with both hands on a shotgun). The moment when they first realise that they are competing agents, or the final battle in the department store also qualify. And while all of these compete adequately for the title, not one of them could compare to the winner of this coveted award.  Brad Pitt dumping the prettiest Friends girl to hook up with the Hollywood Doorknob gets the award for the dodgiest moment, clearly he was impressed with the way she handled his gun.

Mr and Mrs Smith, is a chick flick. But, that doesn’t stop it from being eminently entertaining and rewatchable, achieving a 3 on the rewatchability index. The best part about watching it again is that on DVD, you can skip all the annoying slow plot building moments and go straight to the double handed gun porn that is the real reason you’re watching it.

There are a number of comments about marriage in this film which, I am not allowed to like as I quite enjoy being married, although I can see how they would appeal. However the best one is probably the most cynical line from the film too. “Happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet.”

We all know that Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a chick flick, but, you’re going to have to burn off some brownie points to watch it. But it’s worth the small amount that it will require, and who knows, at the end of it you may even get some of them back.

(<— Normally there would be an affiliate link here, but, you either already own this one, or have no intention of buying it, so putting an affiliate link in would just be a colossal waste of everyone’s time)

Desperado is the epitome of Gun Porn.  All the essential elements are present. Something bad happens to the hero and he sets out for revenge. There is a startling revelation that the main villain is related to the hero. There is great eye candy in the form of Selma Hayek. And most of all, there are lots and lots of gunfights.

Where Desperado really excels is that the gunfights feature guitar cases and knives. At one point knives are brought to a gunfight and the only reason the knife wielding assassin loses is weight of numbers. The machine gun guitar cases and rocket launcher guitar case in the climactic fight scene are a nice touch, but, they probably should have been introduced sooner so we could get maximum enjoyment out of the surprise factor.

There are only two criticisms I can level at Desperado. The speaking parts are terrible. Antonio Banderas is really good at pulling off Dark and Moody, as long as he doesn’t try to talk about it, and Selma Hayek, well, the parts that you can understand through her accent, you wish you didn’t. The second is that the best gunfight happens much too early in the film. The first fight sequence, as described by Buscemi (the only worthwhile actor in the film) is live action cartoon. The second fight scene in the bar is better choreographed than a broadway musical, and unfortunately, after artistry like that, the only way is down. Perhaps Rodriguez should have started with the guitar case gunfight and ended with the massive bar shoot out.

I was tempted to give Desperado 5 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, but after it shot it’s load way too early, the let down resulted in it only scoring a 4. The dodgiest moment definitely goes to the slow motion dance sequence, sorry, gun fight, that takes place around the bar. Banderas manages to shoot someone behind his back, twice, just in case you thought the first time was a fluke.

Unfortunately, the bad acting and early climax really hurts Desperado in the rewatchability rating. If I could stop the movie after the second bar fight (and I can, but I really have to rate the entire movie, not just the bits I can watch repeatedly) it would get a wild screaming 5. Instead, because you have to pretend that you care about the rest of the movie so as not to hurt its feelings, it gets a whimpering 3.

Perhaps, there would be a memorable quote if the thick spanish accents were understandable. So, Quentin Tarantino should get one by default. Which, he doesn’t. Just because you can understand what he says doesn’t mean it’s memorable enough to be repeated.

As far as gun porn goes, Desperado is one of the better ones.  It’s watchable and has enough pretty lights that brain function is not required.  If all you want a couple of hours entertainment, get a copy of Desperado.

<–Buy it here or armed gunmen will execute your goldfish (affiliate link)

Having recently had Shoot ‘Em Up inflicted on me, I felt violated and dirty. And not the good chocolate-smeared-on-naked-body kind of dirty. No, I’m talking the kind of dirty that makes you need to take four showers with a wire brush. So, I decided to watch good Gun Porn and reached into the cabinet and pulled out Hot Fuzz, and got all warm and tingly.

The sole purpose of Hot Fuzz is to provide a reason for the concluding gun battle between Sergeant Angel and the NWA. But, unlike Shoot ‘Em Up the setup is executed perfectly. From From “You can’t be the Sheriff of London!” comment to Angel riding into town on a white horse with shotguns strapped to his back and bandoliers across his chest and the short interest sequence with fencing to the sword fight in the middle of the film climax. Hot Fuzz is proof that good writing can take one idea and make a film out of it.

However, Hot Fuzz does suffer from a bit of multiple personality disorder.  It moves jumps around from Serious Cop Film, to buddy cop film, to teen slasher flick, to buddy cop film, to British Humour,  to buddy cop film before finally settling on Gun Porn.  Which is just as well, the voices in my head were getting tired trying to keep up.  It may have been better had a single style been settled on earlier, but then the Gun Porn would not have been so highly anticipated, or so effective.

Despite the kick-ass climactic gun battle, Hot Fuzz only manages to get 4 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men.  This has more to do with Shaun of the Dead setting the bar so high than any failing on the part of Hot Fuzz.   Perhaps an extra gun fight or two may have resulted in an extra marshmallow man, but it may also have cost them points on the rewatchability rating.

Hot Fuzz also scores a respectable 4 Mutant Smileys.  It requires a little too much brainpower to keep up with the multiple personality disorder to watch as frequently as a brain death inducing film like Evolution.  But contains enough lighthearted moments and the best gunfight of all time to warrant multiple viewings.

The biggest problem with good British humour is that so much of it is situational.  As a result, there are very few lines that work out of context.  The repeated “The Greater Good” is memorable, but probably not the best quote, although the Gregorian way in which it was said was amusing.  However, the comment on Bad Boys 2 “But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.” is why you don’t want to be a cop.  Villains don’t have paperwork.

If you like British Humour, buy Hot Fuzz.  If you like action comedy, buy Hot Fuzz, and, If you’re reading this, I’m surprised it doesn’t have a designated spot in your collection already.

<—- Here is the affiliate link to buy Hot Fuzz.  Buy it by clicking there and help me fund my addiction to Dodgy Movies.  They’re less expensive than crack and can be reused

In what was clearly a revenge attack for calling Boondock Saints Gun Porn, @networkaegis a.k.a. that bastard, decided to inflict Shoot ‘Em Up on me. Fortunately, this means you will read the review and he will be unable to inflict it on anyone else.

Shoot ‘Em Up is Gun Porn. Well, strictly speaking, that’s not entirely true.  Shoot ‘Em Up is Carrot Porn with some gun fights thrown in to try and make the Death-by-carrot scenes less ridiculous.  I fail to understand why writer/directors come up with a couple of cool ideas, in this case, Death-by-carrot, and then write a whole movie centered around it, complete with bad Bugs Bunny references.   It didn’t work for Wanted, and it sure as hell didn’t work for Shoot ‘Em Up.

Now, I kind of went off about the lack of plot in Boondock Saints.  Perhaps I was too hasty.  Shoot ‘Em Up makes Boondock Saints look positively Shakespearean in it’s scope.  This plot could be done in a tweet and there would still be room for pi.  Man rescues baby, shit happens, he kills everyone, with a carrot. (75 characters) Not only is there room for pi, it’s not even the rounded off short version you learnt at school (3.1416)  No, we’re talking full on memory testing pi.

Shoot ‘Em Up managed to get 5 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, for 3 reasons, the skydiving gunfight, something I have not seen before, and it really should have been made longer, but by that stage I just wanted the pain to stop, so the brevity was appreciated,  and Death-by-carrot, twice.  Although, Death-by-carrot really should not have happened in the first scene.  I was kind of hoping after that that a whole array of vegetables would be used, perhaps death-by-potato or death-by-aubergine, but no, we got stuck with carrot.  And the eye stabbing death should have come before the skull piercing one, but that could just be my preference for dodginess in a movie increasing as the film rolls.  (In case you didn’t guess, Death-by-carrot got the dodgiest moment award)

It also managed a rare and dubious honour of getting 1 Mutant Smiley for rewatchability.  This film really is the proof that despite what many people think, there is a substantial difference between good dodgy and bad dodgy. It’s like the difference between a scooter and a Ducatti.  They both are technically motorbikes, but you wouldn’t be caught dead on a scooter.

One liners abound in Shoot ‘Em Up, and I have a theory about this.  I think the writer/director had a bet going with some drinking buddies to see who could get the most lines with sexual overtones into a script.  I really hope I don’t ever find the movies his drinking buddies wrote.  Still the best line in the movie does not have any innuendo in it, sexual or otherwise, but it won’t make the NRA happy either.  yes, I’m referring to “Guns don’t kill people! But they sure help.”

Shoot ‘Em Up was not a good film.  It was not an interesting 80 minute diversion.  It may have made for an interesting 5 minute diversion had I been aware enough to fastforward through everything except the Death-by-carrot scenes, but how would I be able to post any sort of waring if I did that.  Avoid this movie.  Don’t even consider watching it to find out what bad dodgy is.  In fact, the only reason I can think of to watch Shoot ‘Em Up is as part of a film class on learning how not to write an action film.  You hav been warned.

The Boondock Saints is pure unadulterated Gun Porn.  It has minimal plot, marginal character development, but lots and lots of guns, most of the time in slow motion. As gun porn, you would expect a number of things, bodies flopping around like breasts on Baywatch, spent cartridges ejaculating everywhere and The Money Shot.  In Boondock Saints this is fairly easy to spot.  Il Duce, sporting enough guns to supply the cast of the Matrix, up against the McManus twins and Rocco.  Chaos, gunfire and the removal of appendages follows in some glorious tribute to western faceoffs.

While plot is normally a hinderance in a dodgy movie, some plot is required.  There seems to be plot at the beginning, then a large stretch of plotless wasteland while they get the gunfights out the way, and then some plot at the end to try and fool you into thinking it was there all along.  This is successful the first time you watch, but the second time, you start asking questions.  How did they know the Russian Mobsters would be in the hotel room?  How did Il Duce find them? And why were there not more gunfights?

Based on the sheer volume of gunfire, Boondock Saints would qualify for 3 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men.  Add in Willem Dafoe as a gay-hating homosexual detective, and you bump it up to five.  Convince Willem Dafoe to dress in drag and it gets full marks, 5 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men of dodginess.  Of course, just because they managed to convince Dafoe to dress in drag doesn’t mean he should.  I suspect the wardrobe brief was to make sure he was the ugliest transvestite in cinema history, and they succeeded admirably.

My big criticism of this film is the slow motion.  I don’t think I always had a problem with it, but since 300 my tolerance for the use of slow motion has declined dramatically.  In fact, I didn’t realise just how much my tolerance had declined. Fortunately the use of slow motion was minimal when compared to the atrocities inflicted on film by Zack Snyder and so, I can give Boondock Saints a respectable 4 mutant smileys out of 5.

While I suspect that the Willem Dafoe line, “Television. Television is the explanation for this – you see this in bad television. Little assault guys creeping through the vents, coming in through the ceiling – that James Bond shit never happens in real life! Professionals don’t do that!” is probably my favourite in the movie, it isn’t really snappy enough to warrant the most memorable quotation award.  The snappy line “We could kill Everyone” is the one that surfaces when I think back to the film.  Not only is it short and sweet, but it’s an accurate summary of the plot.

Fortunately, gun porn is something you can admit to liking in public and the worst you’ll get is people rolling their eyes at you.  And occasionally, you can find someone with which to discuss which is the best gun porn, The Matrix, Equilibrium or Boondock Saints.  Of course, if you’re reading this, you already have an opinion and you;ve found a safe place to air it, so let us know in the comments.