Founding of Mortal Kurling

Mortal Kurling has a long and illustrious history.  Founded by peasants in the middle ages as a result of the local war interrupting their winter holiday, and curling game, one too many times.  The nobles rapidly learnt that a broom could do serious damage when applied with an angry peasant.  After this incident, the nobles decided that war would be restricted to a summer sport and relatively peaceful coexistence continued.

Not much has changed since the early instigation of violence into curling.  The rules follow those of curling with one subtle difference.  A win can also be achieved by removing your opponents from the ice, and this method of victory is the most popular with the fans.

Modern Rule Changes

Since the advent of televised matches, many more rules have been implemented.  Most notably is the banning of bladed weapons.  The television executives quickly realised that advertisers wouldn’t sponsor a game that was over within a couple of minutes, and implemented the “Blunt Weapons Only” policy to extend the matches.

Reserve players for injury substitutions have also been introduced recently, again as a means for extending the violence.  This has allowed teams to field Glass Cannons or Baresarks as they were known, players with massive offensive potential (normally through potent body odour) but low survival chances.

The Chernobyl Incident

Mortal Kurling has been all but banned in the former USSR with the only mortal kurling arenas still in existence being controlled by the mob.  This is a result of a young physicist, Yuri Bashmakov’s fascination with nuclear explosions and mortal kurling.  He managed to create a small nuclear device and implanted it into one of the stones.  However, he had failed to take into account the resulting explosive power, and managed to vaporise his team, the opposition team, the referee, the spectators and a large area of the local countryside.  The Soviet government managed to cover up the event with stories of a nuclear meltdown which have persisted in the mainstream media to this day.

As a result of The Chernobyl Incident explosives have been banned from all Mortal Kurling tournamnets. Any player or spectator caught found in possession of explosives, even if not at the arena, will be killed, and then banned for all eternity from all mortal kurling events.  The eternal ban was imposed once the governing body, WAMKA, realised that for most mortal kurling players and spectators, death was not really a viable deterrant.

Traditions

There is only one tradition that has survived from the first season of Mortal Kurling.  The Nobles would signify the start of the winter Kurling season by hanging up the suit of armour and striking it with a stick, causing a bell like sound to ring out across the countryside.  This signified to the peasantry that the war season had ended and the Nobles would once again resort to the traditional winter pursuits of incest and assassination, sometimes at the same time.

With the migration of the game to the far east, an alternative to striking armour needed to be found.  Bamboo  breast plates struck with wooden poles resulted in a dull thunk as the strikers head was removed by the Samurai he’d just offended.  To maintain the tradition, gongs were introduced and these have persisted through to the modern game.

The prestigious position of gong striker is now handed to any male who looks good dressed in a loincloth with oiled muscles.  If no good-looking male can be found, a fat tubby one will do.  Oiled woman have been tried, but lubricated woman using a double handed technique on a large stick proved too distracting for the players and often resulted in early player removal.

The Governing Body

While the game was relatively self regulating, the recent arms race between the American and Iraqi teams required a governing body to be put in place to standardise the equipment.  (And you all thought the WMD stood for Weapons of Mass Destruction when it was really Weapons for Mortal Kurling Devastation).

The current Mortal Kurling governing body, The World Amateur Mortal Kurling Association, is headquartered in Canada, a neutral country as far as Mortal Kurling is ocncerned.  The Canadians get enough bloodshed from hockey and never saw the point of Mortal Kurling.  WAMKA is responsible for ensuring that standard length and weights for brooms are adhered to and broom envy has become a thing of the past in sanctioned events.  Non-sanctioned events are a different story.

Current World Champions

The reigning world champions are the Finnish Flyers.  Having entered the last tournament as a wildcard underdog team, they rapidly became the fan favourites, largely due to the martial skill of their star player, Niklas Rajamäki , and his uncanny knack for drawing blood with blunt weapons.  This has resulted in the fans battle cry of “Finnish Him” when they sense the end of the game approaching.

The final was a hotly contested affair between Japan and Finland, with much of the action happening behind the scenes prior to the match.  The Ninja Kurlers had managed to reach the final through a series of forfeits, as opposition players continued to vanish mysteriously.  The Finnish team management realised the threat posed by the black pyjama brigade and brought in experienced body guards in the form of The Privateers, a group of Somali’s who had made a living through piracy.  Once the match was started, the Finnish Flyers quickly finished off the Ninja Kurlers, whose lack of ice fighting experience proved detrimental, and raised the coveted Golden Broom.

Future Matches

Competitive Mortal Kurling is on the decrease with the removal from competition of players after each match. While there is no shortage of volunteers, players with the right combination of Strength, Agility, Martial Skill and Mental Illness to make it in the topflight competition are becoming increasingly difficult to find, and once found tend to get protected by their respective governments to be available for selection for the next World Championship to be held in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in 2015.

However, you can look forward to the upcoming match between Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball Evolution!

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li Versus Dragonball Evolution
What better way to introduce the world to the great sport of Mortal Kurling than with the opening match of Dodgy Movies. Reviewed! Showdowns! Will Dragonball Evolution’s super-slow-mo prove useful, or will it just allow Street Fighter to get in some additional cheap shots. Only time will tell. Street Fighter is likely to take this one, but it could be a close thing, and I’m not sure either of them deserves to be called a winner.

Little Shop of Horrors Versus Hairspray
The Carnivorous plant up against Zac Effron. We all know which way we want this to go, but do the rules allow for the consumption of the opposition, and will any ref have the balls to enforce them if they don’t. There’s only one result possible for this match, and it’s not going to the Disney boytoy.

Van Helsing Versus The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Hugh Jackman once again with memory loss, although one has to wonder if he has any to lose. Sean Connery with his patented Scottish is the only real accent. Will the star players have it their own way, or will the rest of the team have to pick up the slack. It’s likely to appear close, but only because hunters like to toy with their prey.

Blade Versus Underworld
Both of these heavyweights are champions in their own rights. What will happen when they clash. this one will go to the judges. One can only hope that a fair impartial decision can be reached. Or that the better competitor figures out how to bribe the judge.

V for Vendetta Versus Sin City
A clash of graphic novel titans, Frank Miller against Alan Moore. Only one possible sport could even be considered; Pictionary Death Match. Expect leet drawing skills, bile and bitterness as the opposing views of Hollywood clash. Two men pick up the pencil, only one will survive being stabbed with it.

MIB Versus Evolution
The Men in Black may find that the silica based life-form is just too strong for them. Will this hold them back or can Will Smith’s dance moves swing the tide in the MIB’s favour. If the fate of the world can be decided using sunglasses and rap, my money would be on the alien menace.

Wild Wild West Versus Shanghai Noon
No contest. Not even the cowboy Jackie Chan can stand up to the unbridled awesomeness of a giant mechanised spider. Fastest knockout ever is predicted, but perhaps Shanghai Noon can avoid being squashed for a short time.

Gone in 60 Seconds Versus Ocean’s Eleven
With fast cars and faster woman, it’s unlikely that Gone in 60 seconds will have their victory stolen from them by the all-male gang. This one is going to be anything but clean and the ref is going to have to have a keen eye to spot the trickery. Fortunately, the crowd will happily point it out to him. Can age and subtlety be the match for strength and power, or will the hare win the day.

Bad Boys Versus SWAT
Will Smith against Samuel L Jackson. They’re both big. They’re both black. But, only one of them has wielded a lightsaber. The Bad Motherfucker should be able to take this one to the bank.

Hot Fuzz Versus Rush Hour
David versus Goliath. The movie that has 2 sequels versus the barely known British indie film. While Goliath really should have the advantage, there’s always a nagging doubt that the original fight was fixed, merely so we could laugh when the confident little guy gets the shit kicked out of him in all future encounters. Rest assured that we at Dodgy Movies. Reviewed! Showdowns! will not fix any fights.

Unless it’s really really lucrative!!

Sleepy Hollow Versus Ghost Busters
The aging heavyweight against the relatively unknown featherweight. Will Ghostbuster’s age prove to be an obstacle too much, or can the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man toast Sleepy Hollow’s aspirations. Giant marshmallowy goodness is likely to win the day, but is there a decapitation in the sailor’s future.

GI JOE The Rise of Cobra Versus Transformers
Super Elite military unit up against Giant Robots. This matchup really should be a foregone conclusion or should it. Both have similar tactics, appealing to nostalgic feelings, reliving childhood memories and blowing shit up. Once again this will go to the judges decision, and even then the results aren’t likely to be conclusive.

Mars Attacks Versus Eight Legged Freaks
Bill Watterson invented the perfect sport for this match-up, Calvin Ball. There’s no way to call this, even if it wasn’t for the massive randomness of the game itself.

Payback Versus Boondock Saints
Violence, guns and revenge up againt violence, guns and revenge coupled with a gay detective played by Willem Dafoe. After many traded blows and no small amount of spilled blood Boondock Saints will emerge victorious, although standing may be a problem.

The Matrix Versus Equilibrium
The Matrix up against the Matrix with guns (whoever came up with that stupid description for Equilibrium clearly never watched the Matrix). Crowd support will be a big part in this match. The Matrix fans are likely to outnumber those of Equilibrium, but can the vocal minority raise their team to greatness. Time will tell.

The Incredibles Versus Hoodwinked
The final match of round 1 is no ordinary event. No bloodshed, no contact. No, for this one the presidential debate format will be used, with the hypothesis – Big Budget cartoons are better! However, in a reversal of tradition, The Incredibles will be opposed and Hoodwinked will be for. The arguments here should be interesting or at the very least amusing.

That’s it. All the matches, predicted winners and a few exciting sports. Let me know in the comments if you disagree. Maybe we can start the bloodshed early!

What does the opening round hold in store? Well, we expect a few classic matches (Equilibrium Vs The Matrix, and Mars Attacks Vs Eight Legged Freaks) and some one-sided affairs (Hot Fuzz Vs Rush Hour). So strap yourselves in and brace for a rocking ride full of thrills, spills and Pictionary. (you’ll understand later)

And Remember. We Watch them, so you don’t have to.