Mortal Kurling

Mortal Kurling is not a well known sport. Sure, you’ve probably all heard of curling, even if you’re not sure it’s a real sport, but the underground version is only known to a select few. Time to bring it to the light.

Founding of Mortal Kurling

Mortal Kurling has a long and illustrious history.  Founded by peasants in the middle ages as a result of the local war interrupting their winter holiday, and curling game, one too many times.  The nobles rapidly learnt that a broom could do serious damage when applied with an angry peasant.  After this incident, the nobles decided that war would be restricted to a summer sport and relatively peaceful coexistence continued.

Not much has changed since the early instigation of violence into curling.  The rules follow those of curling with one subtle difference.  A win can also be achieved by removing your opponents from the ice, and this method of victory is the most popular with the fans.

Modern Rule Changes

Since the advent of televised matches, many more rules have been implemented.  Most notably is the banning of bladed weapons.  The television executives quickly realised that advertisers wouldn’t sponsor a game that was over within a couple of minutes, and implemented the “Blunt Weapons Only” policy to extend the matches.

Reserve players for injury substitutions have also been introduced recently, again as a means for extending the violence.  This has allowed teams to field Glass Cannons or Baresarks as they were known, players with massive offensive potential (normally through potent body odour) but low survival chances.

The Chernobyl Incident

Mortal Kurling has been all but banned in the former USSR with the only mortal kurling arenas still in existence being controlled by the mob.  This is a result of a young physicist, Yuri Bashmakov’s fascination with nuclear explosions and mortal kurling.  He managed to create a small nuclear device and implanted it into one of the stones.  However, he had failed to take into account the resulting explosive power, and managed to vaporise his team, the opposition team, the referee, the spectators and a large area of the local countryside.  The Soviet government managed to cover up the event with stories of a nuclear meltdown which have persisted in the mainstream media to this day.

As a result of The Chernobyl Incident explosives have been banned from all Mortal Kurling tournamnets. Any player or spectator caught found in possession of explosives, even if not at the arena, will be killed, and then banned for all eternity from all mortal kurling events.  The eternal ban was imposed once the governing body, WAMKA, realised that for most mortal kurling players and spectators, death was not really a viable deterrant.


There is only one tradition that has survived from the first season of Mortal Kurling.  The Nobles would signify the start of the winter Kurling season by hanging up the suit of armour and striking it with a stick, causing a bell like sound to ring out across the countryside.  This signified to the peasantry that the war season had ended and the Nobles would once again resort to the traditional winter pursuits of incest and assassination, sometimes at the same time.

With the migration of the game to the far east, an alternative to striking armour needed to be found.  Bamboo  breast plates struck with wooden poles resulted in a dull thunk as the strikers head was removed by the Samurai he’d just offended.  To maintain the tradition, gongs were introduced and these have persisted through to the modern game.

The prestigious position of gong striker is now handed to any male who looks good dressed in a loincloth with oiled muscles.  If no good-looking male can be found, a fat tubby one will do.  Oiled woman have been tried, but lubricated woman using a double handed technique on a large stick proved too distracting for the players and often resulted in early player removal.

The Governing Body

While the game was relatively self regulating, the recent arms race between the American and Iraqi teams required a governing body to be put in place to standardise the equipment.  (And you all thought the WMD stood for Weapons of Mass Destruction when it was really Weapons for Mortal Kurling Devastation).

The current Mortal Kurling governing body, The World Amateur Mortal Kurling Association, is headquartered in Canada, a neutral country as far as Mortal Kurling is ocncerned.  The Canadians get enough bloodshed from hockey and never saw the point of Mortal Kurling.  WAMKA is responsible for ensuring that standard length and weights for brooms are adhered to and broom envy has become a thing of the past in sanctioned events.  Non-sanctioned events are a different story.

Current World Champions

The reigning world champions are the Finnish Flyers.  Having entered the last tournament as a wildcard underdog team, they rapidly became the fan favourites, largely due to the martial skill of their star player, Niklas Rajamäki , and his uncanny knack for drawing blood with blunt weapons.  This has resulted in the fans battle cry of “Finnish Him” when they sense the end of the game approaching.

The final was a hotly contested affair between Japan and Finland, with much of the action happening behind the scenes prior to the match.  The Ninja Kurlers had managed to reach the final through a series of forfeits, as opposition players continued to vanish mysteriously.  The Finnish team management realised the threat posed by the black pyjama brigade and brought in experienced body guards in the form of The Privateers, a group of Somali’s who had made a living through piracy.  Once the match was started, the Finnish Flyers quickly finished off the Ninja Kurlers, whose lack of ice fighting experience proved detrimental, and raised the coveted Golden Broom.

Future Matches

Competitive Mortal Kurling is on the decrease with the removal from competition of players after each match. While there is no shortage of volunteers, players with the right combination of Strength, Agility, Martial Skill and Mental Illness to make it in the topflight competition are becoming increasingly difficult to find, and once found tend to get protected by their respective governments to be available for selection for the next World Championship to be held in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in 2015.

However, you can look forward to the upcoming match between Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball Evolution!

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