Posts Tagged ‘Reader Request’

Desperado is the epitome of Gun Porn.  All the essential elements are present. Something bad happens to the hero and he sets out for revenge. There is a startling revelation that the main villain is related to the hero. There is great eye candy in the form of Selma Hayek. And most of all, there are lots and lots of gunfights.

Where Desperado really excels is that the gunfights feature guitar cases and knives. At one point knives are brought to a gunfight and the only reason the knife wielding assassin loses is weight of numbers. The machine gun guitar cases and rocket launcher guitar case in the climactic fight scene are a nice touch, but, they probably should have been introduced sooner so we could get maximum enjoyment out of the surprise factor.

There are only two criticisms I can level at Desperado. The speaking parts are terrible. Antonio Banderas is really good at pulling off Dark and Moody, as long as he doesn’t try to talk about it, and Selma Hayek, well, the parts that you can understand through her accent, you wish you didn’t. The second is that the best gunfight happens much too early in the film. The first fight sequence, as described by Buscemi (the only worthwhile actor in the film) is live action cartoon. The second fight scene in the bar is better choreographed than a broadway musical, and unfortunately, after artistry like that, the only way is down. Perhaps Rodriguez should have started with the guitar case gunfight and ended with the massive bar shoot out.

I was tempted to give Desperado 5 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, but after it shot it’s load way too early, the let down resulted in it only scoring a 4. The dodgiest moment definitely goes to the slow motion dance sequence, sorry, gun fight, that takes place around the bar. Banderas manages to shoot someone behind his back, twice, just in case you thought the first time was a fluke.

Unfortunately, the bad acting and early climax really hurts Desperado in the rewatchability rating. If I could stop the movie after the second bar fight (and I can, but I really have to rate the entire movie, not just the bits I can watch repeatedly) it would get a wild screaming 5. Instead, because you have to pretend that you care about the rest of the movie so as not to hurt its feelings, it gets a whimpering 3.

Perhaps, there would be a memorable quote if the thick spanish accents were understandable. So, Quentin Tarantino should get one by default. Which, he doesn’t. Just because you can understand what he says doesn’t mean it’s memorable enough to be repeated.

As far as gun porn goes, Desperado is one of the better ones.  It’s watchable and has enough pretty lights that brain function is not required.  If all you want a couple of hours entertainment, get a copy of Desperado.

<–Buy it here or armed gunmen will execute your goldfish (affiliate link)

In what was clearly a revenge attack for calling Boondock Saints Gun Porn, @networkaegis a.k.a. that bastard, decided to inflict Shoot ‘Em Up on me. Fortunately, this means you will read the review and he will be unable to inflict it on anyone else.

Shoot ‘Em Up is Gun Porn. Well, strictly speaking, that’s not entirely true.  Shoot ‘Em Up is Carrot Porn with some gun fights thrown in to try and make the Death-by-carrot scenes less ridiculous.  I fail to understand why writer/directors come up with a couple of cool ideas, in this case, Death-by-carrot, and then write a whole movie centered around it, complete with bad Bugs Bunny references.   It didn’t work for Wanted, and it sure as hell didn’t work for Shoot ‘Em Up.

Now, I kind of went off about the lack of plot in Boondock Saints.  Perhaps I was too hasty.  Shoot ‘Em Up makes Boondock Saints look positively Shakespearean in it’s scope.  This plot could be done in a tweet and there would still be room for pi.  Man rescues baby, shit happens, he kills everyone, with a carrot. (75 characters) Not only is there room for pi, it’s not even the rounded off short version you learnt at school (3.1416)  No, we’re talking full on memory testing pi.

Shoot ‘Em Up managed to get 5 Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, for 3 reasons, the skydiving gunfight, something I have not seen before, and it really should have been made longer, but by that stage I just wanted the pain to stop, so the brevity was appreciated,  and Death-by-carrot, twice.  Although, Death-by-carrot really should not have happened in the first scene.  I was kind of hoping after that that a whole array of vegetables would be used, perhaps death-by-potato or death-by-aubergine, but no, we got stuck with carrot.  And the eye stabbing death should have come before the skull piercing one, but that could just be my preference for dodginess in a movie increasing as the film rolls.  (In case you didn’t guess, Death-by-carrot got the dodgiest moment award)

It also managed a rare and dubious honour of getting 1 Mutant Smiley for rewatchability.  This film really is the proof that despite what many people think, there is a substantial difference between good dodgy and bad dodgy. It’s like the difference between a scooter and a Ducatti.  They both are technically motorbikes, but you wouldn’t be caught dead on a scooter.

One liners abound in Shoot ‘Em Up, and I have a theory about this.  I think the writer/director had a bet going with some drinking buddies to see who could get the most lines with sexual overtones into a script.  I really hope I don’t ever find the movies his drinking buddies wrote.  Still the best line in the movie does not have any innuendo in it, sexual or otherwise, but it won’t make the NRA happy either.  yes, I’m referring to “Guns don’t kill people! But they sure help.”

Shoot ‘Em Up was not a good film.  It was not an interesting 80 minute diversion.  It may have made for an interesting 5 minute diversion had I been aware enough to fastforward through everything except the Death-by-carrot scenes, but how would I be able to post any sort of waring if I did that.  Avoid this movie.  Don’t even consider watching it to find out what bad dodgy is.  In fact, the only reason I can think of to watch Shoot ‘Em Up is as part of a film class on learning how not to write an action film.  You hav been warned.